Sunday, January 22, 2006
Just reached home after a night at Qi's place for C9 gathering...I am so tired, but ust tot that I'll give my blog some attention while waiting for my hair to dry. Alot of updates. Shir is attached again, i hope she will be happy...hope that she will not be let down again...I will be there for you no matter wat ger...and we seriously need to go shopping soon...for *something*, you know... No matter wat happened to anyone, remember that I will always be dere to lend a listening ear and return ur two tissues...cheer up!!!
I spent my shower time reflecting on myself, the way I treated Piggie, though it is a short reflection. But I sorted out a lot of things...I remembered how he sent me home each day whenever he could...I remembered how he came down all the way from the East side and ta-pao my favourite bee hoon from Chong Pang...I remembered how he came down from Tampines to buy me dinner so that I will not settle for maggi again and I remember how he will try to give me the best as far as he could...even if that means he had to try hard. But I dun understand, why I am always angry with him over the slightest things, i am always throwing tantrums at him, tantrums that he forgivingly just brushed off, after which he tried to pacify me again.
It is not his fault realli, it is mine. i cant forget the past when things weren't that good for me and him. When he wasn't exactly wat you will consider a worthy boyfriend. Therefore, I was like the monsoon wind, blowing hot and cold on him. That kind of feeling when I wanna be super nice to him, yet when I realised that I am so good to him, I am afraid that he will take me for granted again. And I become the hedgehog that I was again. Is it fair to him...I guess it's hard on both of us, cos sometimes, I might prick myself too.
Is it time to stop being so protective of myself? You know, I wanna be like Angel, just open herself up to truely deeply love without any consideration, forgetting the past and everything...and embark on a new step forward with him. But I'm realli afraid of being the hurted party again in this relationship that had brought me so much pain before. Tell me, can I love you without protecting myself??? Can I trust that you will break my heart or even crack it like you had on a few recent occasions? Can I do it? You know, I hate being the hedgehog that I was. I'm afraid that if I continue being one, you will be scared of my erectile spines and flee from me...will you???
I had been rubbing shoulder rather often with this piece of my past recently, the only piece that I rather not remember at all, that I would rather flush it down the sewage pipe. But Fate would not have that. I seemed to bump into him everywhere and anywhere. And I happened to come across this only piece of thing that I failed to destroy in the past. All the memories just flashed back...all bad memories. I hope that after graduation, I will never ever have to see him again...
12:32 AM
